I thought I was headed for mania (I still may be) but today I'm in a mixed state. If anyone thinks depression is bad, and mania is bad, try being in a mixed state. I don't know whether to shit or go blind.
Restlessness, inability to concentrate, taking no pleasure in anything I try to do, difficulty organizing my thoughts. At least the gut-wrenching anxiety has eased up a bit (no hyperventilating today) though I'm still paralyzed.
I can't sit still. I can barely type - I keep hitting the wrong keys, as if my finger movements are exaggerated. I found a nice online writing opportunity but so many confusing thoughts came into my head that I couldn't reply with a coherent story.
I found myself starting to peruse the Publisher's Clearing House junk they sell that they make you look at before you can enter the current sweepstakes - uh oh. I don't need any more junk so why was I looking at it?? I managed to avert my eyes and just enter the damned sweepstakes.
Racing thoughts? You betcha. But instead of feeling really good about myself (a sure sign of mania for me), I still feel worthless. It's kinda like body-surfing when you know there are sharks in the water.
Wonder what tomorrow will bring?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
When I saw "Oh Great - Mixed State," I absolutely had to laugh. One of the comments I just made in my post today was feeling cheated by being in a mixed state. Feeling manic and suicidal at the same time isn't fair. Why can't I get to enjoy the one upside to being bipolar and just be manic? For me, when I am in that state, everything seems perfect. I'm at my creative best. I also read your entry above about your comments about Lamictal. Since being diagnosed years ago, Lamictal finally proved to be the stabilizing part of my cocktail. However, last night I took my last dose. I've had to wean off all my meds as I can no longer afford them (see my latest post). Yeah, I know the consequences of stopping the meds - been there, done that. But I have no choice. I'm glad I found your blog. While my blog (AlixRites) isn't strictly geared to BP, it is certainly something that I do discuss. I look forward to reading more.
ReplyDelete