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I've made the acquaintance of another blogger who writes about her struggles with BP and with reconciling being gay with her Christianity. My heart hurts for her; she's recently had to go off her medication because she can't afford it any longer. Now she's back on that terrible mood rollercoaster.
But what frightens me is her despair over being a gay Christian. She has said that the Bible says she is irredeemable, doomed to hell forever, despite her choice to remain celibate. I would like to point out that the Bible is full of contradictions and that one can find justification for almost anything in the Holy Writ. And I wonder how much of her despair is related to being BP. Deep depression makes us see things in black and white when in fact there are always shades of gray.
And I would like to say this to her, and to all the others out there who are going through the same thing:
God is the Creator. I would ask if being gay is truly a conscious choice, or is it how you were made? I don't believe it was a choice. I believe it's how God created you. And God doesn't punish his creations just for being the way He made them. Homosexuality wasn't created by Satan - Satan has no power to create anything. I refuse to believe that simply being gay equals eternal damnation.
I would ask you to open your mind a bit and consider visiting a different church, one that is friendly to gays. Perhaps the different perspective offered there would give you hope. Maybe you will find that your other church had a very narrow view of God and the Bible. Maybe you'll find Scripture that doesn't condemn you for being who you are.
And no matter what, I would ask you to remember God's infinite forgiveness. There is no sin that can't be forgiven - you have only to ask.
In an earlier post I talked about my disillusionment with state-run mental health care. There are three cattle farms in my county (that's what I call the Medicaid-funded clinics) and I've been to all of them at one time or another. None of them did much for me. I think 8 years is long enough.
In hopes of finding some stability my husband and I agreed that I would try to find someone in private practice. A psychiatrist in my area who accepts Medicare apparently doesn't exist. In my search for that particular unicorn I found a local ARNP who, although he doesn't accept Medicare, charges approximately what my co-pay would be if I had found a psychiatrist who does. I saw him yesterday.
Since the initial 1-1/2 visits are for evaluation I wasn't able to determine if he and I would be a good match. I did, however, get a sense of what kind of person he is and a learned a little bit about how knowledgeable he is. He's a very kind man, quiet and sympathetic. Although he was reading questions from a pre-printed list he took copious notes. He listened to me without interruption, and asked me to clarify certain things.
It sounds like your basic intake, doesn't it? But this was such a different experience. He didn't rush me or treat me like his twenty-third intake for the day - he treated me like a person. He looked me in the eyes. He listened to what I had to say. And best of all, he was honest with me. He said he couldn't cure me (which I already knew - no one can) but that he would do his very best to help me achieve the best life I could.
I still don't know how my husband and I are going to come up with the money for me to see this man on a regular basis. Just these first two appointments are going to wipe out our tiny savings. But if he proves to be helpful, I'll come up with the money somehow. I won't skimp on medical care, and now I refuse to skimp on mental health care.
After all, it's my life we're talking about.
A recent study published in the journal Addiction found that 17.3% of people who abstain from alcohol feel anxiety, and 15.8% reported being depressed. This is after they took into account the people who stopped drinking because they had a problem with alcohol. The "happiest" people were those who averaged about 2 alcoholic drinks a week. An alcoholic drink is defined as one beer, one glass of wine or a shot of hard liquor.
My purpose here is not to analyze the study itself although it poses some interesting theories about why they found what they found. I just found those statistics rather thought-provoking. My ex-counselor along with almost all mental health providers will tell you not to drink at all. When I asked why, I was told that (aside from increasing any drowsiness my meds might cause) the leading cause of death among the depressed is overdose, and that the leading cause of overdose was drinking. She said that those who drink forget that they've already taken their meds, so they take more.
I suppose I don't understand that because I have BP, not depression. When I have more than a few drinks I get manic and the last thing on my mind is "did I take my meds?" But even if I did take an extra dose of everything one night, it isn't going to kill me. Maybe there are depression drugs that would? Or maybe she was talking about people who abuse alcohol, subsequently taking more than their daily dose on a regular basis - toxicity builds up and they die?
I'm not convinced that the main reason for death is people forgetting they took their meds already - that just sounds lame. I think the admonition not to drink is based on the fact that alcohol is a depressant. For people already suffering from depression, it makes sense that drinking means deeper depression and suicidal ideation which they're more likely to act on when they're drunk.
My ex-counselor's advice not to drink because I might take too many meds is just a minor example of why I quit going to see her. It was quite obvious that she either didn't remember I'd told her booze affects me like jet fuel, or that she didn't know that it commonly does in BP people.
I'd like to know - how does alcohol affect you? Does it make you manic or depressed, or do you just have a good time? Minus the hangover, of course...
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