Waiting...

Experts say that we go through seven stages of grief in a logical progression. First comes shock & denial; then pain & guilt; anger & bargaining; "depression", rejection & loneliness; the upward turn; reconstruction & working through; and acceptance & hope. These stages are not only applicable to grief, but to people with a mental illness.

I think I'm stuck in denial although I frequently experience pain & guilt, anger, and rejection & loneliness even though I've been disabled for 8 years now. I realized that I'm spending my life waiting - waiting for things to change, waiting for things to get better. Denying that I'm going to be BP for the rest of my life and I'd better get off my ass and work on the last three stages so I can be more proactive.

I've been in therapy and supposedly I have the tools to actually be proactive: self-talk, mindfulness, positive thinking. I'm on medication so I guess I'm hoping one or a combination will be the magic cure and I won't have to work at getting better. Is that laziness? Maybe. Or maybe it's fear that no matter what I do I won't stabilize. I'm tired of trying. I've given up on seeing a therapist.

I read lots of blogs about personal growth, a lot of which apply to those of us who are mentally ill. Most of the advice falls into the "think positive" category. Some have given me other specific tools for living with BP. It's actually using those tools that's proven difficult. There are so many! Journaling, keeping mood/food/exercise charts, monitoring myself for negative thoughts, improving my self-esteem, yadda yadda yadda. If I used all the tools I wouldn't have time to run my household or work on my business or write my blogs! Again, am I rationalizing not using the tools I've been given?

I guess I'm waiting for that "upward turn" to just magically happen. The more I think about it, the more I understand that it isn't going to happen unless I make it happen. By using the tools I've been given.  

(sigh) Guess I'd better get started.