Going Up?

I actually got 99% of the dirty dishes washed yesterday!  Mind you, this is the first housework I've done in a month.  Poor DH has been cooking & doing laundry on top of his 14-hour workdays, and I've been too depressed to do much of anything for months. I was really starting to give up, having suicidal thoughts but no plan - it was just too much work to even plan my own death.

I wish I knew for sure what precipitated these changes.  My GP upped my Lamictal about a month ago, so maybe it's just now kicking in. Whatever the reason, it sure is nice to have some energy again.  And to not feel like my world could end at any moment.  Now I'm having to watch myself for those manic tendencies:  spending money on crap and babbling on and on about nothing.  Doing utterly stupid shit (risk taking).

I haven't been in therapy for a while.  I got disgusted when my counseling sessions turned into bitchfests.  (I think my counselor was glad to see me go, hee hee.)  In the last 8 years I've taken class after class, accumulated lots of tools and coping skills, but nothing seems to help.  I don't think much of online forums for BP people.  There's too much "Hang in there life will get better" BS. And the only bipolar support group around me meets 30 miles away.

The mental health care in Washington state absolutely sucks.  For Medicaid to pay, I have to go to a mental health center.  I see a Pdoc for evaluation, then if I'm deemed ill enough they accept me as a "client" and I see a counselor and an ARNP for med management.  The counselors are generic in that they see everybody, no matter what the illness.  None of them specialize in bipolar.

Is it unreasonable for me to want to see an MD for my illness?  DH says no.  And that it's dumb to skimp on care for my BP. If I got the right care I might eventually get well enough to go back to work. So I got online at the Medicare "Find a Physician" page and started searching.  I'm hoping to find a psychiatrist who accepts Medicare assignment, has private patients, and knows a lot about BP.  (That's a pretty tall order, keep your fingers crossed for me.)  I'll have co-pays and a deductible and maybe a long drive, but if I can find the right Pdoc it will be worth it.  I've been in the Medicaid system for seven years now and I'm just not getting anywhere.

Two weeks ago I didn't have the energy to even think about changing how I seek care.  Now I do.  I think I'm going up.

Oh Great - Mixed State

I thought I was headed for mania (I still may be) but today I'm in a mixed state. If anyone thinks depression is bad, and mania is bad, try being in a mixed state. I don't know whether to shit or go blind.
 
Restlessness, inability to concentrate, taking no pleasure in anything I try to do, difficulty organizing my thoughts. At least the gut-wrenching anxiety has eased up a bit (no hyperventilating today) though I'm still paralyzed. 

I can't sit still. I can barely type - I keep hitting the wrong keys, as if my finger movements are exaggerated. I found a nice online writing opportunity but so many confusing thoughts came into my head that I couldn't reply with a coherent story. 

I found myself starting to peruse the Publisher's Clearing House junk they sell that they make you look at before you can enter the current sweepstakes - uh oh. I don't need any more junk so why was I looking at it?? I managed to avert my eyes and just enter the damned sweepstakes.
 
Racing thoughts? You betcha. But instead of feeling really good about myself (a sure sign of mania for me), I still feel worthless. It's kinda like body-surfing when you know there are sharks in the water.  

Wonder what tomorrow will bring?

Waiting...

Experts say that we go through seven stages of grief in a logical progression. First comes shock & denial; then pain & guilt; anger & bargaining; "depression", rejection & loneliness; the upward turn; reconstruction & working through; and acceptance & hope. These stages are not only applicable to grief, but to people with a mental illness.

I think I'm stuck in denial although I frequently experience pain & guilt, anger, and rejection & loneliness even though I've been disabled for 8 years now. I realized that I'm spending my life waiting - waiting for things to change, waiting for things to get better. Denying that I'm going to be BP for the rest of my life and I'd better get off my ass and work on the last three stages so I can be more proactive.

I've been in therapy and supposedly I have the tools to actually be proactive: self-talk, mindfulness, positive thinking. I'm on medication so I guess I'm hoping one or a combination will be the magic cure and I won't have to work at getting better. Is that laziness? Maybe. Or maybe it's fear that no matter what I do I won't stabilize. I'm tired of trying. I've given up on seeing a therapist.

I read lots of blogs about personal growth, a lot of which apply to those of us who are mentally ill. Most of the advice falls into the "think positive" category. Some have given me other specific tools for living with BP. It's actually using those tools that's proven difficult. There are so many! Journaling, keeping mood/food/exercise charts, monitoring myself for negative thoughts, improving my self-esteem, yadda yadda yadda. If I used all the tools I wouldn't have time to run my household or work on my business or write my blogs! Again, am I rationalizing not using the tools I've been given?

I guess I'm waiting for that "upward turn" to just magically happen. The more I think about it, the more I understand that it isn't going to happen unless I make it happen. By using the tools I've been given.  

(sigh) Guess I'd better get started.