Waiting...

Experts say that we go through seven stages of grief in a logical progression. First comes shock & denial; then pain & guilt; anger & bargaining; "depression", rejection & loneliness; the upward turn; reconstruction & working through; and acceptance & hope. These stages are not only applicable to grief, but to people with a mental illness.

I think I'm stuck in denial although I frequently experience pain & guilt, anger, and rejection & loneliness even though I've been disabled for 8 years now. I realized that I'm spending my life waiting - waiting for things to change, waiting for things to get better. Denying that I'm going to be BP for the rest of my life and I'd better get off my ass and work on the last three stages so I can be more proactive.

I've been in therapy and supposedly I have the tools to actually be proactive: self-talk, mindfulness, positive thinking. I'm on medication so I guess I'm hoping one or a combination will be the magic cure and I won't have to work at getting better. Is that laziness? Maybe. Or maybe it's fear that no matter what I do I won't stabilize. I'm tired of trying. I've given up on seeing a therapist.

I read lots of blogs about personal growth, a lot of which apply to those of us who are mentally ill. Most of the advice falls into the "think positive" category. Some have given me other specific tools for living with BP. It's actually using those tools that's proven difficult. There are so many! Journaling, keeping mood/food/exercise charts, monitoring myself for negative thoughts, improving my self-esteem, yadda yadda yadda. If I used all the tools I wouldn't have time to run my household or work on my business or write my blogs! Again, am I rationalizing not using the tools I've been given?

I guess I'm waiting for that "upward turn" to just magically happen. The more I think about it, the more I understand that it isn't going to happen unless I make it happen. By using the tools I've been given.  

(sigh) Guess I'd better get started.

Some Generalities

Thought I'd start the inaugural post with some general stuff.  I'm amazed I even found the energy to create this blog - I'm having a depressive episode that's been going on for a couple of months.  Had a bit more energy today, though.  Maybe I'm coming out of it.  Come on, mania! I want to feel good again.

Here are some common misconceptions I've run into when telling people I have a mental illness:

• Having a mental illness does not mean I'm crazy. In the world of psychiatry, "crazy" has no meaning.
• Mental illness is not contagious.
• Just because I'm mentally ill does not mean I'm retarded. My IQ is 154, well into the genius range.
• Mental illness is a legitimate disease. I'm not faking, lazy, or lacking in self-discipline. "Pulling myself up by my bootstraps" is not an option.

Here are some things that upset me:

• I don't want or need pity. Sympathy & understanding, yes - pity, no.
• Sometimes I need your help, sometimes I don't. Let me be the judge of that.
• Yes, I take medications. No, they don't make me stupid. Drowsy, maybe, but not stupid.

Here is some information that you might find helpful when interacting with a mentally ill person:

• Living with mental illness makes life a daily struggle. Please forgive me if I don't always live up to your expectations - it's not because I don't want to, it's because I simply can't.
• Practice compassion. Try to put yourself in my place.
• Learn what kind of help I need, and provide it.
• Listen carefully. Sometimes it's difficult for me to communicate.
• Before you criticize me for my failings ask yourself "Would I say this to someone who has cancer?"

And finally, here are some tips for those of us with a mental illness:

• Learn everything you can about your disease and try to get those who love you to do the same.
• Take your medications as directed and know what side effects to look for.
• Be patient when it comes to finding the right medication combination. It took me six years to find one that works, and there are no guarantees that this combination will continue to work in the future. Try to accept this as part of your illness and use hope to combat the frustration.
• Depending on your illness, just accept the fact that you will probably be on medication for the rest of your life. This fact can come in handy if your doctor doesn't want to prescribe something just because it's addictive. If s/he thinks it will help, push for it to be prescribed.
• Be completely honest with your doctor and/or therapist.
• If something about your treatment doesn't seem right or isn't working, ask questions. If you're still not satisfied, find another doctor or therapist.
• Be accepting, forgiving and patient with yourself.
• Realize that living with you can be a trial and go easy on your loved ones. It will take them some time to get used to your illness.
• Don't be afraid or too proud to ask for help from those around you.

And finally, don't ever give up. It may take work, but you can find the right treatment(s) that will allow you to function at a level you find acceptable.