Since I was diagnosed in '01 I had to focus on finding the right med combination. What a pain in the ass that has been! But now that I'm reasonably stable, I'm not me anymore. The meds have changed my personality. Before you say, "well, duh!" let me clarify: the meds have changed more than my moods.
I used to be strong - one of those women who could see a crisis through, THEN fall apart. Now I can't handle stress at all. Although I still don't cry (it's a hangup from childhood), I freak out much more easily. I'm taking a LOT of clonazepam, which only quietens the anxiety to a dull roar. I don't know if it's the GAD (generalized anxiety disorder, which I supposedly also have) or part of the BP problem. I read recently that anxiety can be symptomatic of BP. So I pretend to be strong - nobody sees the terror inside, nobody knows my heart's beating 100 miles a minute and that I want to scream and run.
I'm fat - Jesus, God, am I fat. Thanks to the meds I've put on 70 pounds. Now I'm obese. My husband still wants me, so that's a good thing, but guess what? I don't want sex any more. Me, who used to be the horniest bitch around. If it had 2 legs and a dick, I wanted it.
I used to not fear risks. Of any sort, thanks to being manic, but now I'm afraid of risk altogether. I've swung to the other end of the pendulum. It's interfering with starting my new business, it interferes with trying to have fun (try something new? fugedaboudit), it interferes with things all though my life.
I've developed this bizarre need to nap in the afternoons. It's bizarre because every single day of my life, between 3 and 4 p.m. I get sleepy. Really sleepy. I have to fight it because if I don't I'm likely to lie down for a nap and not get up until the next morning. This really fucks up my day.
My short-term memory is pitiful. It was better before I had 6 ECT sessions 4 or 5 years ago, but still. I have to make lists or nothing gets done. It's incredibly frustrating.
I used to be a control freak. Now I'm an uber-control-freak. I guess because I'm not having a lot of success managing my own life I try to make up for that by micro-managing my husband's. It annoys him but he usually tells me to butt out in a nice way.
I can't handle change easily. Of any sort, really. Starting new habits is extremely difficult. Even something as simple as switching from Diet Coke to iced tea is hard - I keep going in the kitchen to get something to drink and when I can't find the Coke I get pissed off, thinking hubby drank it all. Until I remember that I don't drink Coke anymore and there's a gallon of tea in the 'fridge.
The anxiety is constant and overwhelming. Self-talk doesn't help, mindfulness doesn't help - you have to have a mind to be mindful. When I get anxious I get paralyzed. I do something obsessively to help escape the fear: read a book, read blogs, read my email, work Sudokus 'til I'm cross-eyed, whatever. Anything except what I need to do or want to do. I have a bottle of pills that help with the anxiety but I try really hard not to take them - they're painkillers. Percoset, for my back. I feel much less anxious when I'm high on Percoset or marijuana. But Percoset's addicting and marijuana's, ahem, illegal. And expensive. And I don't have a source right now. And there's no point in asking my GP for a prescription, since marijuana isn't exactly approved by the FDA for BP so Medicare/'caid won't cover it anyway.
Maybe I should just accept who I've become and go from there. But I mourn the old me; she was a bright, fearless, ass-kicking go-getter who didn't let anything slow her down. I miss her a lot.
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