I'm Not Me Anymore

Since I was diagnosed in '01 I had to focus on finding the right med combination.  What a pain in the ass that has been!  But now that I'm reasonably stable, I'm not me anymore.  The meds have changed my personality.  Before you say, "well, duh!" let me clarify:  the meds have changed more than my moods.

I used to be strong - one of those women who could see a crisis through, THEN fall apart.  Now I can't handle stress at all.  Although I still don't cry (it's a hangup from childhood), I freak out much more easily.  I'm taking a LOT of clonazepam, which only quietens the anxiety to a dull roar.  I don't know if it's the GAD (generalized anxiety disorder, which I supposedly also have) or part of the BP problem.  I read recently that anxiety can be symptomatic of BP.  So I pretend to be strong - nobody sees the terror inside, nobody knows my heart's beating 100 miles a minute and that I want to scream and run.  

I'm fat - Jesus, God, am I fat.  Thanks to the meds I've put on 70 pounds.  Now I'm obese.  My husband still wants me, so that's a good thing, but guess what?  I don't want sex any more.  Me, who used to be the horniest bitch around.  If it had 2 legs and a dick, I wanted it.

I used to not fear risks.  Of any sort, thanks to being manic, but now I'm afraid of risk altogether.  I've swung to the other end of the pendulum.  It's interfering with starting my new business, it interferes with trying to have fun (try something new?  fugedaboudit), it interferes with things all though my life.

I've developed this bizarre need to nap in the afternoons.  It's bizarre because every single day of my life, between 3 and 4 p.m. I get sleepy.  Really sleepy.  I have to fight it because if I don't I'm likely to lie down for a nap and not get up until the next morning.  This really fucks up my day.

My short-term memory is pitiful.  It was better before I had 6 ECT sessions 4 or 5 years ago, but still.  I have to make lists or nothing gets done.  It's incredibly frustrating.

I used to be a control freak.  Now I'm an uber-control-freak.  I guess because I'm not having a lot of success managing my own life I try to make up for that by micro-managing my husband's.  It annoys him but he usually tells me to butt out in a nice way.

I can't handle change easily.  Of any sort, really.  Starting new habits is extremely difficult.  Even something as simple as switching from Diet Coke to iced tea is hard - I keep going in the kitchen to get something to drink and when I can't find the Coke I get pissed off, thinking hubby drank it all.  Until I remember that I don't drink Coke anymore and there's a gallon of tea in the 'fridge.

The anxiety is constant and overwhelming.  Self-talk doesn't help, mindfulness doesn't help - you have to have a mind to be mindful.  When I get anxious I get paralyzed.  I do something obsessively to help escape the fear:  read a book, read blogs, read my email, work Sudokus 'til I'm cross-eyed, whatever.  Anything except what I need to do or want to do.  I have a bottle of pills that help with the anxiety but I try really hard not to take them - they're painkillers.  Percoset, for my back.  I feel much less anxious when I'm high on Percoset or marijuana.  But Percoset's addicting and marijuana's, ahem, illegal.  And expensive.  And I don't have a source right now.  And there's no point in asking my GP for a prescription, since marijuana isn't exactly approved by the FDA for BP so Medicare/'caid won't cover it anyway.

Maybe I should just accept who I've become and go from there.  But I mourn the old me; she was a bright, fearless, ass-kicking go-getter who didn't let anything slow her down.  I miss her a lot.

Some Generalities

Thought I'd start the inaugural post with some general stuff.  I'm amazed I even found the energy to create this blog - I'm having a depressive episode that's been going on for a couple of months.  Had a bit more energy today, though.  Maybe I'm coming out of it.  Come on, mania! I want to feel good again.

Here are some common misconceptions I've run into when telling people I have a mental illness:

• Having a mental illness does not mean I'm crazy. In the world of psychiatry, "crazy" has no meaning.
• Mental illness is not contagious.
• Just because I'm mentally ill does not mean I'm retarded. My IQ is 154, well into the genius range.
• Mental illness is a legitimate disease. I'm not faking, lazy, or lacking in self-discipline. "Pulling myself up by my bootstraps" is not an option.

Here are some things that upset me:

• I don't want or need pity. Sympathy & understanding, yes - pity, no.
• Sometimes I need your help, sometimes I don't. Let me be the judge of that.
• Yes, I take medications. No, they don't make me stupid. Drowsy, maybe, but not stupid.

Here is some information that you might find helpful when interacting with a mentally ill person:

• Living with mental illness makes life a daily struggle. Please forgive me if I don't always live up to your expectations - it's not because I don't want to, it's because I simply can't.
• Practice compassion. Try to put yourself in my place.
• Learn what kind of help I need, and provide it.
• Listen carefully. Sometimes it's difficult for me to communicate.
• Before you criticize me for my failings ask yourself "Would I say this to someone who has cancer?"

And finally, here are some tips for those of us with a mental illness:

• Learn everything you can about your disease and try to get those who love you to do the same.
• Take your medications as directed and know what side effects to look for.
• Be patient when it comes to finding the right medication combination. It took me six years to find one that works, and there are no guarantees that this combination will continue to work in the future. Try to accept this as part of your illness and use hope to combat the frustration.
• Depending on your illness, just accept the fact that you will probably be on medication for the rest of your life. This fact can come in handy if your doctor doesn't want to prescribe something just because it's addictive. If s/he thinks it will help, push for it to be prescribed.
• Be completely honest with your doctor and/or therapist.
• If something about your treatment doesn't seem right or isn't working, ask questions. If you're still not satisfied, find another doctor or therapist.
• Be accepting, forgiving and patient with yourself.
• Realize that living with you can be a trial and go easy on your loved ones. It will take them some time to get used to your illness.
• Don't be afraid or too proud to ask for help from those around you.

And finally, don't ever give up. It may take work, but you can find the right treatment(s) that will allow you to function at a level you find acceptable.